Sometimes she wishes she was never born
by Ultimate Queen of Cliffies
Summary: Set a few years before Elphaba and Nessarose go to Shiz. The Thropp sisters have a talk about sins, powers and guilt, the conclusion being that everything bad that has happened so far is Elphaba's fault.


**AN: Another random oneshot! :) Young Elphie and Nessa (say fourteen and twelve years old respectively, something like that) have a talk together in the gardens of the Governor's mansion.**

**In Yero my Hero, Nessa is a bit too proper, kind of a coward and pretty ignorant, but overall, she is quite likable. In this oneshot, however, she is... not. Just so you know. She really is a ... (- insert very foul word here) in this one.**

**Disclaimer: Wicked is not my creation - unfortunately.**

* * *

Elphaba was sitting in the gardens, legs pulled up, arms cradling them and her chin resting on top of her knees as she looked out over the large lake that was lying behind the Governor's mansion. She liked the gardens. She didn't have much free time – her father made sure of that – but when she did, she usually went out here, often with a book. It was nice and quiet around here, she didn't disturb anyone and no one disturbed her. Plus she blended in nicely with the grass and the green leaves.

'Fabala, what are you still doing out here?' Nessarose, her twelve-year-old sister, came wheeling towards her with a disapproving look on her face. 'Shouldn't you be making dinner already? I'm hungry, Fabala, and I don't want to have to wait for my dinner!'

Elphaba shook her head. 'Don't worry, Nessie. The cook is making dinner tonight. Father is having guests.'

Nessarose wrinkled her nose in confusion. 'Then why are you out here?' she asked in an accusatory tone of voice. 'You know father doesn't want his guests to see you, Elphaba – you should be up in your room.'

'I'll go there in a minute, Nessa.' Elphaba looked out over the lake again. 'I don't want to go inside yet. I'm afraid father will beat me if I do,' she confessed.

'Why? What did you do thistime?' the younger girl asked in exasperation. Elphaba rested her chin on her knees. 'I had a little… accident at school this afternoon.'

'You didn't display those horrendible, sinful _powers _of yours again, did you?' Nessa asked in disgust. Elphaba nodded, looking defeated. 'I'm really sorry, Nessie. I didn't mean to, but they were saying mean things about you and…'

'If that's what happened, you _deserve _father beating you,' Nessa said contemptuously. 'I can't believe you would disgrace us like that, Fabala - _again_. I have begged you not to, and father has taught you that lesson over and over again, yet you continue to behave like that. Now you're going to have to accept the consequences once again.'

Elphaba looked at her younger sister beseechingly. 'Couldn't you talk to him, Nessie? Try to explain it to him? I can't control it, I swear – I didn't mean to do it, I don't want to disgrace you…'

'Yet you do,' Nessa stated simply, and Elphaba nodded sadly. 'I do. And I'm so sorry for that.'

'Sorry doesn't fix anything, Fabala,' said Nessarose harshly. 'I won't talk to father. He's right to punish you for your sinful deeds. As if you haven't brought enough shame down on our family by being born… like _that_!' She waved her hand indignantly towards her older sister. 'You took my mother and my ability to walk away from me, you embarrassed father and me, and instead of ending it there, you just keep doing so! With those horrendible _magic_, and by speaking up about everything – you're a shame to us, Elphaba. You would make this a lot easier on everyone if you would just restrain yourself, keep quiet and try not to draw more attention to yourself than you already do.'

Elphaba avoided her sister's gaze, ashamed, not wanting to see the accusatory look in Nessa's eyes. She whispered, 'I'm sorry.'

'Like I said, Fabala, sorry doesn't change anything.' Nessarose made to turn around her wheelchair, but changed her mind. 'What are you doing out here, anyway? It's so,' she wrinkled her nose in disgust, '_filthy _out here. And wet. And… _green_. As if there isn't enough green in my life already,' she sneered, looking at her older sister pointedly. Elphaba winced, but didn't say anything, and Nessa sighed. 'Do you even have the _ability _to feel guilty? Or do you just enjoy destroying father's and mine lives?'

Elphaba looked up at Nessarose with wide, dark eyes. 'Nessa, no! How can you think such a thing? I _do _feel guilty, about everything… sometimes I hate myself,' she whispered, lowering her head. 'For what I did to you, and to mother… for what I'm doing to you and father every day. But I swear that I can't help it. I swear to you, Nessie, that I don't do it on purpose – you have to believe that I don't!'

Nessarose looked at the older girl for a long time before nodding slowly. 'Fine. I believe you.'

Elphaba's gaze softened. 'Thank you, Nessie.'

'I hope father will find some way to suppress that weird… _quirk _of yours,' she said, sounding repulsed. 'Or else, that you'll manage to hide it – at least when you're around other people. Because it can't go on like this.'

'I know,' Elphaba said softly. 'I'll try, Nessa. I promise.'

'That'll have to do then, I suppose.' Nessarose eyed the green girl up and down, one eyebrow arched. 'Father is right, you know,' she said. 'It _is _your fault that mother died, and that I can't walk. It happened because of you.'

Elphaba nodded, gaze fixed on the lake rather than her sister. 'I know. Perhaps…' She swallowed, then sighed. 'Perhaps it would have been best for everyone if I hadn't been born.'

'But you _have _been born,' Nessa pointed out, 'and so we need you to deal with it. For _our _sakes.' She sighed, too. 'I can't help but wonder sometimes what everything would have been like had you been born normal. To grow up being able to walk, with my mother around, no one making fun of me because of my _freak_ of a sister… but things are as they are, I suppose, and there's nothing we can do about it.' She turned her chair and started to wheel away, calling over her shoulder, 'You do deserve that beating, Fabala. I hope father can teach you your lesson this time.'

Elphaba curled up into herself a little more, wishing she could just disappear right on the spot. She couldn't bear her younger sister's accusations, knowing that everything, every disaster that had plagued their family in the past fourteen years had been her own fault.

Just before Nessa wheeled out of earshot, Elphaba confessed softly, her voice barely a whisper, 'Sometimes I wish I was never born.'

Nessarose half-turned in the chair to face her older sister without stopping to wheel herself away from the green girl. There was a rigid expression on her face, her eyes were completely emotionless and her voice was flat when she spoke again. 'Sometimes I do, too.'


End file.
